


Luther Sloan

by StarTravel



Series: Defiance Through Tenderness [36]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cultural Differences, Episode: s07e23: Extreme Measures, Ezri Dax (Mentioned) - Freeform, Healthy Coping Mechanisms, Introspection, Kelas Parmak (Mentioned) - Freeform, Luther Sloan (Mentioned), Moral Dilemmas, Possible Hint at Future OT3, Post-Canon Cardassia, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, mention of canonical suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 15:22:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17942213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Stuck inside and without enough research to keep him occupied, Julian is forced to deal with the fears and guilt he’s kept buried since arriving on Cardassia. Garak does his best to help Julian, and the two make a new friend.





	Luther Sloan

**Author's Note:**

> Beta’d by the wonderful Aidaran.

Elim is right about the warm season being unbearable, but not for any of the reasons he warned Julian about in the end. Julian can accept being inside without problem, the small space of the makeshift lab he and Kelas Parmak put together large enough for research and even treating patients one at a time.

 No, it’s the fact that Julian’s mind moves too quickly that provides the betrayal, not enough research or patients able to come to their house to keep his mind from wandering. And when it wanders, it lands on the specters of the past surrounding both him and Elim.

 The closer one is Kelas Parmak, a man with whom Elim has a clear history with, their gaze flickering to each other across rooms and secret conversations Julian’s allowed no part in happening in hospital hallways. There’s an understanding between them that’s far easier than anything he’s shared with Elim.

  That would be easier to accept if Julian didn’t _like_ Kelas so much, if he didn’t see all the ways in which he’s good for Elim. Patient and sensitive, interested in Cardassian literature but willing to challenge it, quietly thoughtful and helpful and - Good. Good in a way Garak deserves and Julian can’t be anymore. Not after Luther Sloan.

 Julian managed to push thoughts of Sloan aside for nearly a year, ignoring nightmares and the flinch he felt under his skin every time someone mentioned Romulan technology. But that was when Elim and Cardassia and dozens of patients needed him every day. But Elim and Cardassia are both strong, rebuilt stone by stone with a skill far past Julian’s own.

Now he has time to remember the way Sloan’s body shook, the hint of fear in his gaze behind the bluster when they went inside his mind. The mazes and webs of lies that might have been truths Julian ignored inside his head. The fact that Julian almost doomed the entire Alpha Quadrant for information until Miles stopped him.

 No, Julian is certainly not _good_ anymore _._

 “I suppose it’s hard for you to look at me right now, old friend.” Julian murmurs as Kukalaka stares up at him with his button eyes, Julian’s own face reflected back at him in searing clarity. He searches for changes in his complexion, new lines and webs of veins to reflect the ugliness embedded in his soul.

 But he’s a Dorian Grey, face as pleasant as it’s ever been. No one can see his crimes but him and Kukalaka. “I’m certainly not living up to what I imagine you thought Jules would turn out to be.”

 Julian hears all the whispered justifications and recriminations he’s given himself over the past few months. He had to do it to save Odo, the Alpha Quadrant. If he hadn’t brought Sloan to them, the Federation would have committed genocide. But - if he were truly as smart as he acts like he is, he would’ve found another way. “I do feel quite bad about what happened. But then I suppose that doesn’t change anything, does it? Guilt and regret doesn’t redeem a tainted soul.”

 “Julian, who are you talking to?” Elim calls from the doorway, eye ridges slightly tense as he takes half a step into the room. Julian swallows a little and watches him, trying to guess by the shape of his smile if he overheard any of Julian’s self-recriminations. But Elim, as always, gives nothing away.

 “Kukalaka, I wanted to check in with how he’s handling all of this Cardassian heat.” Julian tells him easily, lies spilling from his throat where they used to choke him and make him splutter. Julian wonders when he stopped being bad at it. Maybe when he trapped Sloan in his quarters and sentenced him to death.  

 Elim merely nods as he takes a few more steps to his side, brushing his hands along the side of Kukalaka’s left ear. His smile manages to be chiding and indulgent at the same time. “Of course. My dear -“

 “You’re going to be late and I have work to do. You can distract me from it later.” Julian cuts him off with a quick kiss, fingers lingering along the ridges on Elim’s neck. They’re somehow rough and smooth at the same time. He wonders how they feel to Elim’s rougher skin, or to Kelas’ hands, free from blood and brain tissue.

 “I intend to.” Elim murmurs, voice dropping half an octave as he leans in to nip the side of Julian’s jaw, touch a promise of better things to come. Things Julian does not deserve.

 Julian smiles softly at Elim and leans in to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. He does not deserve this, but nor does Elim deserve his rejection. Not until Julian’s found him someone better.

 When he’s sure Elim is gone, Julian sits down on the floor with his legs crossed underneath him, shoulders slumping with a tiredness he hasn’t known in some time. Julian lifts Kukalaka up so they’re eye to eye again, and lets out a bitter sound that’s not quite a laugh. “If i was a better man, I’d turn myself in.”  


* * *

  Garak’s focus has been, must be on Cardassia before all else, and anything that distracts him from that must be swept aside for a later date. But there is more room now that the school and marketplace are finished, trees coming up from the dust and giving them all shade.

 Enough room for Julian, who withdraws on himself more and more with each passing day since the warm season began. at first Garak chocked it up to Julian’s obsession with his research, long hours spent in his makeshift lab and even longer stories when he finally emerged from it.

 Then Julian starts sleeping less and less, body shaking and the dark circles under his eyes coming back worse than before. It’s been nearly a month of that, and today Julian barely seems capable of moving across their two rooms. “Are you quite alright, my dear?”

 “Of course, why do you ask?” Julian smiles brightly, leaning against the wall, a slender line of bright colors against the austere white walls. Everything about him is beautiful and light and for once, all of that feels like an illusion rather than a reality Garak’s been unreasonably blessed with.

 “You lied awake for most of the night and stared blankly at the wall for over an hour.” Garak raises an eye ridge, hands clenching and unclenching for a few seconds. He takes a deep breath and reminds himself that whatever’s wrong with Julian, fear and frustration won’t help. He reminds himself of the meditation techniques that Kelas taught him during one of their lunches and breaks, chest unknotting enough to meet Julian’s gaze.

 Julian’s smile fades slowly, brow furrowing as he takes a few shaky breaths of his own. Julian meets his stare with an almost apologetic gaze. “You noticed?”

 “Julian, I’m a spy. Give me some credit. Even if I’m rusty, I’m hardly not going to notice when you’re squirming between my arms most of the night.” Garak can’t help scoffing lightly as he brings a hand up to rest against Julian’s cheek. His face is less gaunt than it was a few weeks ago, some of the weight he lost in his first months here slowly coming back to his frame.

 But his eyes are more haunted than Garak’s seen them in nearly three years, the specter of the man he fought so hard to save on the Defiant lingering there. Garak won’t let Julian reach those depths again. Not if he can help it.

“I’ll try to stay still tonight.” Julian’s smile attempts for light and airy but falls flat, smile crooked and gaze bordering on empty. Julian lies his hand over Garak’s own for a second, and then pulls away as though it burns him - but no. Julian’s eyes are apologetic, not afraid. He’s worried about his touch poisoning Garak.

 Garak raises an eye ridge and tries to keep his expression neutral, even as he can feel his stomach drop. If there was less to do, he might stay home with Julian and bring whatever secrets he’s keeping to the surface. “Or you could try sleeping.”

 “That seems unlikely.” Julian answers with just a touch of roughness, eyes growing guarded as he takes a few steps away from Garak. It’s a distance that hasn’t been between them in years and it scares Garak. He can feel Julian pulling away and he doesn’t know why. “You don’t need to worry, Elim. I’m fine.”

 “Every single time you’ve said that, you either had a breakdown or were kidnapped immediately after, so forgive me if I have my doubts.” Garak tuts as he grips Julian’s jaw a bit tighter, watching as his throat bobs with each swallow. Julian looks trapped, terrified gaze flirting across the room as though in search of a savior.

Garak starts to pull his hand away, only for Julian to reach up and slide his own over it, holding it in place. Not afraid of him then. Somehow that doesn’t bring Garak any comfort.

 “Okay, you win, Elim. I’m not fine. But it’s not important enough for you to be late for the medical meeting with Kelas Parmak, and I have six patients stopping by today.” Julian tuts in a voice that’s suddenly far brighter than it was a few seconds ago, fingers curling around his palm. Julian leans in and kisses his cheek, such a perfect act of domesticity that Garak’s impressed and disgusted in the same breath. “We can talk about it when you get home.”

 Garak meets Julian’s gaze steadily and tries to mentally gather as much data as he can about Julian’s recent shifts in behavior. He’s become quiet - well, quiet for him - withdrawn, and has been pushing him to have lunch with Kelas Parmak everyday.

  That by itself wouldn’t be so suspicious - Kelas has enough in common with Julian to lessen whatever homesickness he might feel for the Federation’s saccharine ideals and is different in all the ways he finds enchanting about Cardassians - but something’s wrong. Julian’s not suggesting they spend more time with Kelas together or asking Garak to pass along his medical questions to the doctor. It’s _almost_ as if Julian is trying to set them up without including himself in the equation. “All right, but I won’t forget.”

 “Trust me, I’m well aware.” Julian answers ruefully, hands clenching and unclenching a few times. Garak suspects it’s not his own eidetic memory Julian’s cursing.

* * *

   “And that’s why the cells of the nuclei kept mutating when exposed to the dust participles in sector 5’s Neiria Mountain range. Isn’t that fascinating?” Julian tells him, voice frantic and words blending together as he throws out more and more data. Maybe if he buries them both in enough facts he’ll somehow come out clean, or Elim will forget the questions from this morning. “Actually -“

 “It genuinely is, my dear. And while I’d love to talk more about that, you did assure me we could talk about why you aren’t fine.” Elim cuts him off with a smile that’s razor-sharp, gripping his shoulder with his hand and pressing his fingers into the space where Julian’s neck meets his shoulder.

 Julian bites his lips and tries to think of the right kind of distractions and lies, the words that will reassure Elim and push him into Kelas Parmak’s arms all at the same time. They don’t come to him though, and he settles for a nervous smile instead. “Right. It really is silly, Elim.”

 Elim gives him a flat look, the grip on his shoulder growing just a hair tighter than before. “Julian.”

 “Our time would be much better spent on work.” Julian answers and winces a little when his voices comes out too clipped, too heated for the playful tone he wants. Julian imagines Kelas never speaks to Elim like that, voice soft and beseeching the same way it always is with Julian. “Really, being stuck in this house all day and not having as much work as I’d like is the problem.”

 “Somehow I sincerely doubt that, unless you think that’s something you need to turn yourself in for.” Elim mutters in a low voice, hints of irritation along the edges as he picks up thebear from the floor. Elim looks into its button eyes as though he can learn Julian’s secrets through them.

 Julian can’t help the betrayed look on his face as he snatches Kukalaka out of Garak’s hands, wrapping his arms around the bear. Suddenly he feels ridiculous, like a child who can’t play these games well enough and who can’t trust anyone. His voice comes out surprisingly small. “You listened in on my conversation with Kukalaka.”

 “Yes, Julian, I listened in on your conversation with your teddy bear. Care telling me what exactly it is you need to turn yourself in for?” Elim’s voice is dry as he lifts his other hand up to grip Julian’s other shoulder, effectively holding him in place. Julian gives him a flat look,  pressing his lips together in a thin line. As though Elim doesn’t know.

 But Elim’s confused, concerned expression doesn’t change. Maybe there’s been some miscommunication here, maybe Elim doesn’t know what he’s done. “I kidnapped a Federation member, technically did something most people would call torture by invading his brain, and let him die.”

 Elim has the audacity to stare at him blankly for what feels like almost a minute, expression so still it makes Julian want to scream in his face. Instead he holds breath and waits for Elim to say anything. “So, you regret not letting Odo and all the other Founders die?”

 “Of course not!” Julian snaps as he tries and fails to wrestle himself from Elim’s hold. Julian closes his eyes and takes several deep breaths, trying to calm himself enough to speak. His voice still sounds ragged and laden with unshed tears anyway. “But I should have found a way to save them without murdering Sloan.”

 “If I remember right, he killed himself to avoid you learning his secrets.” Elim’s voice is surprisingly gentle given his words, one of the hands holding his shoulder coming to cup his jaw instead. Julian can’t help leaning in the tenderness of his touch, even though it’s a kindness he does not, can not deserve.

 Julian still forces himself to give Elim a flat look, because clever words and technicalities aren’t going to be enough to wash the blood from Julian’s hands. “You’re being purposefully obtuse.”

 “A little.” Elim admits easily, a gleam to his smile that makes Julian grin a little in spite of himself. He’ll miss that smile very much if he does turn himself in. “What is that you want from me, my dear? Forgiveness? Because I can’t grant that. There’s nothing to forgive. You made a difficult decision, but ultimately followed your moral compass and did what was right for the Alpha Quadrant and your beloved Federation. If anything, I’m proud.”

 “See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you! I knew you wouldn’t understand. Hell, not even Miles would.” Julian groans in frustration, shaking his head back and forth several times. He abruptly pulls away from Elim’s touch, and this time the other man doesn’t try to hold him in place.

 Elim does reach a hand out toward him though, the ridges along his brow pressing together. Julian meets his gaze as steadily as he can, breaths coming out a bit too fast for his own comfort. He finds he can’t control them any better now than he could in Sloan’s head. “Understand what?”

 “I don’t want forgiveness, I want condemnation!” Julian snaps before he can stop himself, squeezing Kukalaka so tightly he’s shocked that some of the seams don’t rip apart. Elim’s stitches must be surer than his own.

 “I think you’re taking care of that well enough for me and Chief O’Brien right now.” Elim’s voice comes out all concern and tenderness, the same way it had been on the Defiant years ago. But Julian deserves no such tenderness now. He wants - needs to be alone, to write his letter to turn himself in or plan Elim’s next secret date with Kelas or - he needs air.

 Julian walks toward the door in steps that feel rote, ignoring Elim’s cool breath on his neck. He can let Elim follow him this far, when he might never see him again if he turns himself in or resigns or - well whatever he needs to do to atone for his sins. “I’m going out.”

 “Julian.” Elim’s voice sounds broken and suddenly Julian finds himself being held in place again. He twists around just enough to stare into Elim’s terrified gaze. For a moment he’s bewildered, opening and closing his mouth. Something about that seems to set Elim at ease and -

 Right. The warm season. More than a few minutes outside and he’ll likely die of heat stroke. There will be no facing his crimes for months.  

 “Of course. I’m going to my lab.” Julian answers woodenly as he pulls the door open just wide enough to fit his arm through the door. Julian tosses Kukalaka to the dusty ground below and tries to swallow the tears building in the back of his throat as the bear hits the ground.

 It’s a start.

 Julian slams the door shut and walks robotically to the part of the living room sequestered off as his lab. This time Elim doesn’t follow.

* * *

 Garak waits until Julian closes the makeshift door to his lab to open the front door up again, snatching the teddy bear inside before any wild animals can tear it apart. Garak brushes a few flecks of dust from Kukalaka’s shoulders and sets him down on the couch with as much gentleness as he wishes he could show Julian now.

 Then he waits until he’s sure Julian will be calm enough to talk.

 Garak finds Julian in his tiny lab space a few hours later, sitting on the ground while dust gathers at his feet. Julian has no research left to do, most of the diseases on Cardassia contained in one way or another. He gave up on the Blight and the Jem’Hadar after the war.

 Julian doesn’t look up at him, gaze empty as he stares at the wall. Garak wishes he knew that look less well than he did. “It doesn’t make you like Khan, you know. What happened with Sloan. Khan wouldn’t have felt regret about it.”

 “And you would have liked him more for it.” Julian’s voice comes out cutting, though the watery quality from before isn’t quite gone. Julian wraps his arms around his legs more tightly, gaze still locked firmly on the wall and coming nowhere near Garak. Garak makes a tutting noise in the back of his tongue and kneels down in front of Julian.

 “I would’ve thought so too, once.” Garak agreed readily, gaze rueful as he considers what he thought he wanted and what he needs now. He thinks of compassion and warmth, of ideals. Garak thinks of Julian and he thinks of wires. “If you could go back and be faced with the same decision again and no time to use that enhanced brain of yours to come with a way to indulgently save Sloan and Odo both, would you make a different choice?”

 “Of course not.” Julian answers back in a low voice, finally meeting Garak’s gaze with wounded eyes. Garak brushes a hand under his chin and holds his head in place. It won’t do for Julian to look away now.

 “Then you have to learn to live with it.” Garak tells him steadily, not letting his gaze waver even as Julian’s begins to fill with tears. He knows Julian is strong enough to survive this guilt burning holes in his stomach, to come out the other side less innocent but no less kind. Garak just doesn’t know if Julian’s aware of that too.

 “And if I can’t?” Julian’s voice comes out surprisingly firm, one of his own hands coming out to grip Garak’s free one and entwine their fingers together. Julian’s smile manages to be sheepish and determined at the same time, and Garak wonders if anything he says here even matters. “If I go to the Federation and turn myself in?”

 Garak knows Julian well enough to know he’s already considered his options. He tells him the truth anyway, voice chiding and light even as he feels his stomach tighten more and more by the second. “My dear, the Federation doesn’t acknowledge that Section 31 exists and claimed that Sloan was a rogue agent who _died_. They’re hardly going to arrest you for a death they’re pretending happened three weeks before it did.”

 Julian scowls in a way that suggests he hasn’t considered much of anything but his own martyrdom, his other hand coming into the air and pointing at imaginary bits of data floating in front of him. Julian looks up at him, the almost fiery determination from before back in his gaze. “Then for using illegal Romulan technology.”

 “The Romulans are on the Federation’s side for the moment, and Sloan did more damage to them than anyone. They’re hardly going to have you put on trial for that when their alliance with Romulus is so tenuous.” Garak reminds him softly, brushing a hand across his cheek. Julian doesn’t flinch, but he doesn’t react either. His gaze stays past Garak and on the empty wall across from them.

 “So what do you suggest I do?” Julian sounds pained, determination quickly turning into desperation as the hand gliding in the air suddenly grips the front of Garak’s shirt instead. Garak lies his own hand on top of it, focusing on the sensation of Julian’s hands shaking beneath his own.

 Garak leans in as much as he can in the small space, his sides pressed against Julian’s research desk. A few tears slide down Julian’s cheeks, breath coming out faster with each passing second. Garak makes soothing noises in the back of his throat and presses a kiss to Julian’s lips and then lets his forehead rest against Julian’s own. “Forgive yourself as you forgave me.”

 “I can’t do that.” Julian half laughs and half cries, leaning back against the wall and closing his eyes for a few seconds. When Julian opens them again he looks almost defeated, mouth shaking a bit as his hands suddenly grip Garak’s own like lifelines.

 “Why not?” Elim’s voice is gentle as he squeezes Julian’s hands, running his thumbs across narrow fingers and palms. He doesn’t stop until Julian’s breathing evens out, hands stilling between them.

 Julian rolls his shoulders as much as he can cramped up against the wall and pressed against Garak, leaning in so their foreheads touch again. Julian smiles as though in spite of himself, small and crooked and just a bit fond. “I like you more than I like myself.”

 “You shouldn’t. Garak scoffs, not quite able to stop himself from the exhaustion in his own voice. Garak wonders when Julian ceased to love himself and if there’s any way to remind him how. “Then do it because staying here and helping to rebuild and repair Cardassia, fostering new life here, is a better rehabilitation than spending years alone in a Federation prison letting all your talents go to waste.”

 “You sound like you’ve spent far too much time listening to me, Elim.” Julian’s voice comes out teasing this time, and he slumps a little further so he’s half-leaning against the wall and half against Garak’s chest. The tears haven’t stopped, but they’ve slowed enough for Julian to stop shaking and there is no more talk of prisons. That’s enough for now.

 Garak crosses his arms against his chest and puts on a mask of mock-offense even as his stomach drops. There’s something to Julian’s cadence that makes him uneasy despite the softness of his smile. Garak tries a different tactic, gaze softening as the bright future he imagined just weeks ago comes back to the forefront. “Maybe. Maybe I’m just being selfish. After all, my and my descendents future isn’t nearly so bright without you, my dear.”

 Julian flinches this time, flicking his eyes up to meet Elim’s gaze. He takes a deep breath, gaze suddenly guilty as he squeezes Elim’s hands again. His voice is barely more than a whisper. “I can’t have children. Other people probably could.”

 And suddenly another puzzle piece slots into place. Julian thinks Garak can’t have the future he wants with him, so he’s found a worthy successor. Garak resists the urge to point out all the flaws in that plan or that, if anything, _Julian_ has a crush on Kelas. “Can’t or don’t want to?”

 “Can’t. You know my father.” Julian’s gaze is both a plead and a question, desire for understanding and for an answer. Garak shifts a bit on the floor, wrapping his arm around Julian’s waist carefully. They slide to their feet with a grace they shouldn’t have after kneeling on the floor so long, Julian feeling borderline boneless in his arms.

 “Yes, and I know you are not your father or Khan or Sloan, just as you know I’m not Dukat or Tain.” Garak tuts as he starts walking Julian out of the corner, each step careful and calculated. It won’t do to spook Julian right as he’s starting to come back to himself. Julian gives him a flat look, though Garak isn’t sure if it’s for his words or for how careful he’s being.

 “Elim - I’m very tired.” Julian cuts himself off, suddenly pressing his face into Garak’s shoulder and collapsing over him. Garak wraps his arms more fully around Julian’s waist and leads him toward the couch, taking in the relief of a warm body pressed against him, of the slightly sticky feeling of his cheeks where the tears were starting to dry.

 “I know, dear.” Garak whispers into his ear as he drops him into the couch and then kneels in front of him. Julian swallows tightly and leans in, pressing a quick kiss to Garak’s forehead, a whisper of an apology and a ‘thank you’ he’s sure he’ll hear more fully tomorrow.

 Julian glances around the room tiredly, gaze locking into the brown bear next to him with wide eyes. His gaze flickers to Garak for a moment, relieved and thankful. Then he turns back to Kukalaka. Julian wraps Kukalaka between his arms and presses an apologetic kiss to his forehead, the same way he had to Garak moments before.

 “You’re going to call Ezri, aren’t you?” Julian murmurs softly as Garak sits down next to him, sliding his arm across his shoulder. Julian glances up at him out of the corner of his eye, expression growing rueful. He lets out a low sigh before letting himself collapse against Garak’s shoulder. “You already did.”

 “Hours ago.” Garak assures him as he pulls him closer to his chest, glad that it seems the worst of this is over. Hopefully he and Ezri combined can knock some sense into Julian.

 Julian squirms in his arms a bit, expression almost painfully sheepish as he cranes his neck up to meet Garak’s gaze. Garak raises an eye ridge, squeezing Julian’s shoulder and wondering what could be left that Julian felt the need to confess. “I was trying to have you bond with Kelas in case I did turn myself in.”

 “Yes, we both made quite a bit of fun of you for it over lunch.” Garak laughs warm and teasing until Julian smiles weakly and presses his head back against his shoulder to hide the flush coming over his face. Garak’s just relieved to see Julian realize how ridiculous he’s been. “He is charming though, the three of us should have dinner soon.”

 Julian glances up at him quickly, smile curious and a bit flirty, curling up further against him. Whatever he’s going to say, rather it’s about Garak or Kelas or all three of them is cut off by a rather loud yawn. Julian collapses back onto his chest, voice coming out exhausted and grateful. “Elim … I love you.”

 “I know, dear.” Garak assures Julian as he hugs him to his chest, the bear pressed into his arms. Garak carefully lies them both down so they can get some well-needed rest. He thinks they’re getting better at handling these storms.

**Author's Note:**

> Haha I didn’t think Kelas would be in this series at all, but he worked his way in after all. 
> 
> Comments and questions are loved!


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